Only joking

[Maximi11ion]

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'

[NU_nutrition_TS]

Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers on their way to classes..

As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good morning ladies."

The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you."
But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I think she got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.

A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you the wisdom for our students today."

"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you and may God be with you."
But again after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed today."

Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant..

Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face before greeting Sister Mary.

"Good morning, Sister Mary, I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."

"Ah, good morning, Mother Superior. I see you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

Mother Superior was floored!

"Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant but three times already today people have said that about me."

Sister Mary stopped her walker and looked Mother Superior in the face.

"Oh, don't take it personally, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."

[MiniHulk]

I was hoping for something really dirty - but that is as good as it can get while not tainting this happy little family forum, lol.

[NU_nutrition_TS]

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train. He was chuffed to bits.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...I thought to myself, these guys have lost the plot!!

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! That's no good, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her some scales.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move..

I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.

[NU_nutrition_TS]

Someone threw a bottle of omega-3 capsules at me the other day...

...fortunately I only sustained super-fish-oil injuries!

[Odevans]

My god, Nu! That was cringe worthy! Funny though.

Sent from my GT-I9100 using Tapatalk

[NU_nutrition_TS]

It was adapted from a viral e-mail joke that was sent to me. I just thought it was fitting for this forum - and I like cringe-worthy 'word play'!

[p0stscript]

I have tourettes mixed with spoonerism , you wont find me cooking and funting

[Maximi11ion]

One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.
She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so.
She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."
He replies "BREASTS."

[Maximi11ion]

We're so skint that the wife has had to sell one of her kidneys.
If things get any worse I might have to cancel Sky Sports.