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Thread: A Complaint

  1. Default A Complaint

    #1
    Resurrected
    Guest
    If you ever feel the need to complain about anything......read
    on!

    Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter
    of the year...have a laugh andread on.

    Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A
    real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)

    Dear Cretins,
    I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up
    for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.During this
    three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had
    not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity
    of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details,so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek torectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat **** waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
    website....HOW?

    I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
    The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

    I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,therefore, if I continue.I thought BT were ****, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawfucustomer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I
    discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a
    useless shower of *******s you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
    distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
    >>>>British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant
    >>>>beacons
    >>>>of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly
    >>>>limitless
    >>>>inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile
    >>>>and
    >>>>foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I
    >>>>suggest that
    >>>>you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me
    >>>>for
    >>>>the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically
    >>>>failed to
    >>>>deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with
    >>>>hilarity and
    >>>>disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps
    >>>>bemused
    >>>>rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from
    >>>>my
    >>>>cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete
    >>>>contempt for
    >>>>both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they
    >>>>have not
    >>>>become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist
    >>>>at the
    >>>>time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if
    >>>>you did
    >>>>not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.
    >>>>Consider them
    >>>>the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless
    >>>>employees.
    >>>>Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life,
    >>>>you
    >>>>irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of
    >>>>****s.
    >>>>John
    >>>>
    >>>>
    >>>>
    >>>>
    >>>
  2.  
    #2
    ** Senior

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    absolutely class
    5% off your first order? Use MP4912 when you go to purchase! No hassle guarantee

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    Voted Myprotein #1 member of the year 2007
  3.  
    #3
    ** Senior

    Join Date
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    hehehe
  4.  
    #4
    Resurrected
    Guest
    Quote Quote
    Originally Posted by finlee
    absolutely class
    You'd expect nothing less from me Young Mr Fin
  5.  
    #5
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    Quote Quote
    Originally Posted by 43andstartinover
    You'd expect nothing less from me Young Mr Fin
    i dont know whether to agree or not hehe
    5% off your first order? Use MP4912 when you go to purchase! No hassle guarantee

    If i can give you any advice etc or you think i may be able to help with anything, just private msg me or ask away in the forum


    Voted Myprotein #1 member of the year 2007
  6.  
    #6
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    omg that was so funny. NTL deserve cat poo
  7.  
    #7
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    hahahahaha. that was great. I hope someone screws me someday that I get that mad. lol
  8.  
    #8
    Teetotal

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    poetry




    MP5500 for 5% off first order!
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  9.  
    #9
    *********

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    Aye, that was beautiful! I am suprised that NTL even released it!

    Jonathan
  10.  
    #10
    Scouse squatter

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    unbelievably well written, thats why it won awards!

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